The will to heal started with the illness. My journey of transformation began, with my depression in my mid-twenties, with the understanding of the need to heal but without tools to act. All the self-medication with marijuana and alcohol lost their power and just became as problematic as life itself. The flow stopped and the need for help became obvious.
I spent many years in search, looking for traditional healing as well as for alternative methods to cure my emotional, yes, emotional what? At this time I couldn’t get a handle on my problems, not knowing what was wrong, what might be the cause, so I went in search….
What happened, how did I end up here? What did I just drink? November 10, 2009, Iquitos Peru, in a roundhouse, I think they call it “maloka”, in the middle of nowhere. I drank this brew, just a cup full like last night, but there, absolutely nothing happened. Tonight it happens. I am in the middle of a psychedelic hurricane, feeling like an egg on LSD in a washing machine. My sister told me about this apparent miracle medicine, this juice you drink and it fixes your problems. Can’t see that yet. Now is all just about surviving and at the same time trying not to soil my pants. Squeezing my butt cheeks meantime I travel at the speed of light into a nightmarish hell of dreamlands, universes, and this overwhelming sense of unity with the entire cosmos, all at the same time. Never was so scared in my whole existence, never.
I let go, I surrender, I am ready to die. A strong sense of relief is running through my body and mind. I feel free. Now I can see my life, this abstract construct I call “my life”. What does that mean? I can see clearer, I see my blocks, my being stuck, my closed heart, my soul and my cluttered mind.
It’s over, I am going back to my hut. I am shaking. What wasthat? Nobody to talk to, nobody to explain, just the raw me and this intense insight that change will happen. In the morning I want to pack my stuff, leave this place. But where to go? Back to the same old? No, I can’t. I have this strong sense, under all of the fear, there will be change or even something they call healing. Still abstract to me, but there it is, hope.
“…ramakaya kayara ,enke cano abanon,……” shipibo language, unknown words, a song, powerful, a bit scary and melodic, unmelodic, beautiful, strange. January 22nd, 2019, Iquitos, Peru, in a roundhouse, we call it “maloka”, in the center of the Amazon. The lyrics are coming out of my mouth, I can hear them, I can hear myself singing.
The person I am singing to is focused, her head bent down, deep in “mariacion”, the trance, deep in her own vision.
Natalie is seeing her trauma, she sees her faults and the way they affected her loved ones. She is crying, meanwhile, she holds her bucket tight. The song is guiding her, the song is showing her, the song is cleaning her. I know how she feels, where she is, feeling empathy for this moment of truth.